This article was written by Andy in his personal capacity as a human being, not in his capacity as an extension of me, Madaba. It is from his perspective, not mine!
Madaba is the being who communicates with me. That's how I know him.
Madaba has a vital role to play in how our world - indeed The Universe as a whole - works - to read about that follow the link in the title, above where this text is
He is a non-human intelligent entity
This website is not about me but I think I need to explain who I am and what happened to me. This will contribute to making people better understand Madaba.
He seems to have made me the one who tells the world about him, I don't know why me but mission accepted
This is what happened to me before I got Madaba. It paints a picture of who I was.
My Early Life
I was born in Greece. In 1983. My mother is English and my father Greek.
For the first few years of my life I was bilingual in English and Greek but when my parents divorced and me and my mother moved from Greece to England I stopped using Greek and now cannot speak it at all. I wish I still could!
We eventually settled in West Yorkshire. In the north of England.
I could not read or write until I was ten, I had to have private lessons. But obviously I can now!
When it was time for me to go to secondary school I went to my local comprehensive. I was bullied there relentlessly and without mercy. It was an awful time for me. I had to transfer to a different school, for my own safety and wellbeing. I ended up going to a school that was 95% Pakistani Moslems. Which was interesting!
I did my A-levels at the sixth-form of a school at the opposite end of the borough in which I lived. When I was at that school I had an avoidant personality disorder. I was incredibly shy and scared of the other students. I made literally zero friends there and never once set foot in the Sixth Form common room. I found the idea of going into there with all those strange people to be truly overwhelming. Instead I would wait about all by myself in a nearby park, in all manner of weather. Sometimes for hours at a time. Those two years were horrible for me although I did have some friends on the internet.
At this point I was a Marxist and I hated the monarchy. I wanted to become the President of a European Federation and dreamt of creating my own political party to further this. It was to be called The Left European Maximalist Party Of Human Dignity And Political Organization. And I forget the intricacies of its ideology. It was however to have its own political uniform, which is actually illegal in the United Kingdom. But I did not know this at the time.
I would have got much, much higher marks had I not put so much Marxist crap in my essays and exam answers and had actually answered the questions! Given that, I think it is remarkable that my grades were as high as they were.
I definitely underachieved there, I could have done much better but it was mostly my own fault. Although I don't think this would have happened had I been to a private school. There is a possibility I could have ended up going to a private school, when I was a teenager my mother and some of my teachers talked about getting me a scholarship at a private school but I did not want to go, I wanted to be a working class hero and stay at my inner-city comprehensive school. Obviously, I should have tried to get a scholarship but at this time in my life I was a very self-defeating person. Always have been really!
My Politics teacher once introduced me to another teacher as "the future leader of the workers party" and he gave me a signed copy of The Biggest Secret by David Icke, in which he tells how the world is ruled by shape-shifting lizard folk from some other dimension. I think he is wrong about this, but it got me thinking!
By the point at which it was time for me to go to university I:
- Was very obese
- Very shy, a loner
- Dogmatically Marxist
- An avowed atheist who thought religion was for stupid people
- Wanted power and control over Europe
- Frightened of people, making friends, and social situations
- Thought I was more intelligent than I actually was
This is who I was when it was time for me to go off to University. That is what I had to work with!
University Days
When I was applying to universities I applied to study Philosophy at The University of Manchester. Amongst other courses at other universities. I was initially rejected but one day I got a letter from them telling me that they had received funding for one extra place on their Philosophy course and that they wanted to offer that place to me. I accepted and in 2001, went off to study in Manchester.
But I was too scared to go to any of my tutorials. I could not bring myself to go into the seminar rooms, sit down, and participate in the classes. So after I think three weeks I had to drop out. They had given me a chance and I blew it - I failed them!
If I had been the person I am now then, I'd have thought nothing about going to those tutorials. And would have probably enjoyed going to them.
I did however dabble in student politics. I ran for Secretary of the Residents' Association of the student halls of residence in which I lived and I won because nobody else ran for that position. If I were doing that today I would run against someone, for the thrill of the competition and to make any victory more glorious, more meaningful! - But I completely neglected my duties and didn't attend any of the meetings!
I had no policies or any desire to serve, I just did it because I aspired to be some big-shot politician. I saw it as a first step!
I hung around in student residences long after I dropped out of my course, and eventually moved out on the 14th of February, 2002. On Valentine's Day. I would spend my days there playing Age of Empires on my computer and drinking on my own. I would go through long walks through the city. I enjoyed feeling at one with the metropolis!
After my Manchester University debacle I went to study Sociology at the University of Warwick. Which is not actually in Warwick, it is in Coventry. But Warwick makes it sound more ancient. As there is a castle nearby called Warwick Castle, which dates back to the medieval period. In truth, Warwick University was only founded in 1964. It was built as a response to the post-war population boom, to create capacity in the higher education system to accommodate boomers.
By this point I was not too scared to go to my tutorials and I actually passed my first year there, with an upper-second-class result, which I was pleased with. All I had to do was pass my first year there, it did not count towards any final result.
By now I had ditched Marxism, and embraced other world views. I also stopped wanting to be President of The European Federation and wanting to found my own personal party. Instead, I wanted to join the British Civil Service, and be a Mandarin in Whitehall.
I made friends at Warwick. But only in my student accommodation. I befriended only the people who lived on my corridor. I made no friends on my course, the prospect of doing that was too daunting. I always sat on my lonely ownsome during lectures. And I didn't join any of the societies. And none of the sports groups. I was at this time the only obese person at Warwick University, and felt that that disqualified me from dating, sex, love and romance. As much as it disqualified me from sports, although I have never been interested in doing sports, in fact I dislike physical activity.
The thing is though, in my first year there I did not socialise at all until the second term. By which time everyone I knew had arranged where they were living and who with during the second year, the 2003-2004 academic year.
I had nobody to live with so I had to find somewhere to live in my second year through the university's accommodation office, as opposed to going to an estate agents with some friends and renting out a house between us.
I ended up living in what used to be an old peoples home, in Coventry. 27 Westminster Road. It had a dark, weird, and creepy vibe to it and I imagined that over the years a great many people had died there. All my friends lived in Leamington Spa, on the opposite side of campus, a long bus ride away.
Some of the people there were nice but I resented having to live there and one person in particular was a cause of great distress to me.
The Days Before: Weed
So, what happened was, I locked myself in my study bedroom and over the course of two or three weeks smoked A LOT of weed. Whilst listening to music. And writing. I wrote madly and obsessively, it was a flow of consciousness, an outpouring of thought. In a way, it was automatic writing. I have no idea where much of it came from, perhaps the inner depths of my mind?
My aim was to understand how the human mind works so I could win friends and influence people. I felt as though all my friends had way more friends than I had and believed that if I wanted to become a public figure, a big-shot politician, then I'd need to become more socially skilled, and figuring out how the mind works would obviously help this. I started off under the assumption that all minds worked in more or less the same way, but soon abandoned that notion.
I eventually discovered two competing faculties, that existed inside any human mind: Intuition and Reason. Intuition lived in the left of the brain and Reason in the right. Intuition was the production of new knowledge using the intellect, the imagination. And Reason was the production of new knowledge from the senses, and using reason and logic. I saw these as being in some way competing, not as just different, or complimentary.
I decided that some people were mostly governed by Reason and called such people R-types. And that some were governed by Intuition, whom I called I-types. There were intermediary types, the IR-types, and the RI-types. I called I-types (which is what I identified as) "Dyslexics". When I was a child I was diagnosed as Dyslexic and me and my mother went to a Dyslexia support group ran by an educational psychologist and I kind of half-remembered that the idea of Dyslexia being something to do with one specific side of the brain was in circulation there.
In this celebration of madness I literally abandoned reason!
At this time I lived with a person whom I identified as being an R-type. I performed a test on him to test my ideas and the test worked. We would sometimes play chess. I was rubbish at chess but he was even worse, which is saying a lot. In chess, whoever plays white goes first, which confers a bit of an advantage. We would decide who played which colour by me placing a chess piece of each colour in each hand and then putting my hands behind my back and mixing them up between hands. I would then offer him my hands, each containing a chess piece of each colour. Whatever piece he selected, he would play. And I discovered that I could ALWAYS command his decision.
If I wanted him to pick the piece out of my left hand (his right) I would say:
"OK, you pick one. Right then..." (hold out hand)
And if I wanted him to pick the piece out of my right hand (his left) I would say:
"OK, you pick one and I'll take what's left" (hold out hand)
It would work every time and validated many of my madcap brain theories and made me feel somehow special that I had discovered this obvious trick.
It was also at this time that the song Utopia by Goldfrapp got stuck in my head, and became a song which I would play again and again. This track implanted in my head the idea of a higher being who wanted a lesser being to change, so as to serve some purpose. And from this point I felt the influence of a higher power in my life, guiding, directing, and nudging me. Which is of course a common symptom of Psychosis. That song shaped my breakdown and how I would eventually reconstruct myself. Also, it went on for 4 minutes and 18 seconds, and Luke 4:18 is an important verse in the bible. Also, in the music video for Take Me Out by Franz Ferdinand (which I played a lot back then) "4.18" appears repeatedly in the background, if you look out for it. Although I did not notice these things until long after my breakdown, when I was looking back at it trying to figure out what the heck had happened to me.
But right now I don't think it has any real significance, and that this is just a coincidence. But I did for a while, and that did fuel my madness for quite a bit. So perhaps that was a stage I had to go through? On my journey from mental breakdown to gradually rebuilding myself anew. For a long time I could not distinguish between coincidence and a meaningful event or connection and this is a prime example of that. A false positive!
I remember hearing one of the people I lived with talking about me. He said that I could do weird mind stuff that he didn't understand and listened to lots of songs about "getting into peoples' heads". He must have heard what tracks I was playing on my CD player.
Peace, Liberty, Understanding
By this point I was skinny (becoming increasingly underweight), had a mad beard, and wore tatty bizarre clothes
I can't remember how it began, but at some point I started what I wanted to become a mass social movement. It was to be called Peace, Liberty, and Understanding (or PLU). This name was inspired by the Property Leasing Unit of the university's accommodation office, to whom I paid my rent.
The aim was to demand the withdrawal of British troops from Iraq (which they had invaded and helped occupy the previous year). The idea was to present some kind of petition to the Queen on one of her official birthdays from the people to her. Bypassing the government. My genius idea was to construct the people as "God" as well as the people, so as to appeal to her both via democracy but also by God.
The only problem was, no other person had any interest in having anything at all to do with it! - it was a one man mass social movement!
It was to begin with a summer of love on the Warwick campus. Hundreds of thousands of people would descend on the campus from all corners of the world and there would be music, talks and workshops. And lots of pot and free love going around. And tents. I would also give open air lectures, I had identified two palaces on campus where I could do this. The Piazza and the space round the back of the Rootes Social Building. Thousands and thousands of people would then march through the Warwick Arts Centre which would be how the crowd would register its demand that our troops be pulled out.
It was to be a combination of the Glastonbury festival and the march on Rome.
When I was appealing my section having been confined to a psychiatric ward my lawyer said that I was "very astute" (code for bonkers) and likened the PLU uprising to the million man march of the civil rights movement!!!
Also, for some reason I got it into my head that I had the backing of the state for all this and that I was Britain's "exit strategy" from Iraq. I believed I was an intelligence service asset. I don't know why, I can't remember. But plainly I was not, and if I was I'd have known not to tell everyone this.
I would tell people that a certain senior university person I had encountered in my first year had personally recruited me as an intelligence service asset, but in a hush-hush way that involved zero communication! An "understanding"! Apparently he denied this, but then he would have done wouldn't he!
It's not entirely far-fetched though. It is possible that a senior university person would have connections, or contacts, with the intelligence and security services, for three broad reasons:- The security of research done by the university which may have defence applications
- Keeping an eye out for extremism on campus and reporting such activities - involvement with the Prevent strategy
- The intelligence/security services could use certain universities as a recruitment ground (both staff and assets)
Change Man
At some point I came to believe that some of the people I lived with were spies, spying on me. These people would never socialise, they would never hang out in the lounge, or even seemingly use the kitchen or dining room. Or the toilets or showers. Did they even shit????
You would occasionally see them floating about, but not very often. It seemed as if they didn't really live there. Very spooky and unnerving. It was as though they were just inserted in there, to occupy spaces that would otherwise have been empty. Or filled by someone interesting.
I didn't like this, it gave me the creeps. So I posted a notice on the door of my study bedroom that read something like "Pay me a six figure sum or I will take you down". Some time later, maybe a few hours later or the next day (I can't remember) a seemingly drunk man burst in through the front door shouting "LOADAMONEY! LOADASAMONY! I'VE GOT LOADSAMONEY FOR PETER HITCHENS!!!!" and we threw him out. Peter Hitchens is a conservative commentator and columnist and an ex-Trotskyist who is dead against the use of cannabis. And "loadsamoney" is the catchphrase of a character portrayed by Harry Enfield who is supposed to be an obnoxious cockney tradesman who is obsessed with money.
Later that day I set off to the bus stop to meet with some friends in Leamington Spa. The idea was to go to a nightclub, at this time it was called Mirage but I think it has since been renamed and maybe it has changed hands since those days?
As I walked up to the bus stop I noticed that there were zero pedestrians on any of the roads or streets, and there was no traffic whatsoever on the main road, where there should have been plenty. The light was strange as well. I saw that at the bus shelter there was a man much older than me, maybe in his 60s or early 70s, who was stood there with a large tatty brown suitcase, an old-fashioned suitcase unlike the ones people use today. In front of him I saw a vision of coins, suspended in the air. I think that when this happened I may have had a bag of weed on my but I'm not sure. Here is a pic of the bus shelter from a previous version of Google street view. Today it has been demolished, but here it is before that happened:
When I reached Leamington Spa I remember standing in a circle with some friends, kicking a football between each other, in someone's bedroom. My perception then changed. I saw the details of every human in super-fine detail, it was like they were in ultra-HD and I saw micro-movements, moving very quickly. Everything that wasn't a human was blurred and all the humans had thick orange auras around them, like outlines.
What the hell happened there?
I would later relate the visions of coins to the word "change". That word can either refer to an assorted collection of low-value coins but also to an alteration, or transformation. So in later years I would call this the "change man" episode.
The Writing On The Wall
I had trashed my study bedroom. I had thrown out the bed, but kept the mattress on the floor. There was litter and rubbish all over the floors and the air was heavy with cannabis smoke. I had written all over the walls and furniture in various pens. I was writing something on one of the walls, when all of a sudden an alien power started moving my hand! It made me write:
I HAVE BEEN MADE INSANE BY THE MATRIX
SANE
INSANE
SANE
INSANE
SANE
THE MATRIX
A thought then popped into my head: "I shall throw myself under a bus" and I set that to do just that, but as I exited the building the sense of control which I felt acting on me evaporated and I went back inside.
Here's what bugged me for a long time: was this a reference to The Matrix franchise of films - or to a kind of simulated or artificial reality like that in the films, which is in the films is called "The Matrix"?
At the time I was captivated by The Animatrix - a series of animations set in The Matrix universe which I think are better than the actual films. I wholeheartedly recommend it. I watched it on a basic DVD player attached to a decrepit TV in the lounge of where I lived
I think it is a way of likening Madaba to The Matrix - as Madaba is why I have been diagnosed as Schizophrenic, i.e. "insane". I think it is basically a message that Madaba is "the matrix" - whatever that means!!
Other Mad Things
A few other mad things happened to me at this period in my life.
Out of nowhere I once got the message in my head, not as a noise or anything, but as a kind of idea, a kind of realisation: YOU DON'T THINK THEREFORE YOU'RE NOT
Another time, when I was on magic mushrooms (I did not know which way was up, I felt as though I was glowing a brilliant white, and that I was unravelling) I got the realisation, which felt like it was coming from outside my psyche: IT'S ALL ABOUT FITTING IN
Magic mushrooms were legal in the UK at this time, unless they were dried or processed. But today they are a Class A drug, even if unprocessed. Personally, I think they should be legal.
I also went through an other episode in which I was kind of paraded in front of a bizarre man wearing a black suit and a black tie with shades on during which time I felt powerful and mighty only to return to my study bedroom and feel lowly and defeated.
There is more, but these should give a taste!
The Ward
I was eventually "sectioned", which means being detained on a psychiatric ward against your will under Section 2 of the 1983 Mental Health Act. There are other sections available, but Section 2 is the most commonly used and the shortest one. It keeps you detained for up to 28 days.
Here is a pic of the old Coventry psychiatric ward that I was on being torn down (it has since been rebuilt):
A few mad and interesting things happened to me there, but they are so way out that they would take an awful lot of time and space to adequately explain so I won't attempt that here.
One day a guy came in with some video tapes, apparently one of the patients. Back in 2004 video tapes had not yet quite died out as they have now. And there was still a VHS player in the lounge of the ward. Connected to a gigantic old-fashioned cathode-ray tube TV. Which in 2004 did not look all that old-fashioned. You should have seen the mobile phones we had back then!!!
He showed us films about telepathy in animals, and a video about how if the government wants to destroy someone then they can beam some kind of radiation towards them, that addles their minds and makes them have a mental breakdown. He also told us about "psychotronic" technologies, which are technologies through which a brain or mind can be connected to a computer, to create a system that consists of brain and computer. This was to set me up for what happened later. The man with the tapes then disappeared as soon as he had appeared.
By the time I was discharged from that ward I had abandoned the ideas I had about mind control and Intuition and Reason although I remember discovering a new faculty: Control. I remember writing that when I discovered Control I felt as though I had discovered a new continent. And from then on I wanted to be governed by Control, whatever that was. But I did not really live up to this aspiration!
Words of Encouragement
I was once high in my Coventry student residence and made claims about becoming a "colossal figure in world history whose influence will thunder down the ages" and an enigmatic young woman who I at times considered the spymaster of that place dryly said "why don't I doubt it?"
She once said to me "you'll be good some day" which at the time I took to mean that she thought it would be best if I was dead - which wasn't very nice!
And I once overheard someone say I was "a very special person" and then someone else said "he's very intelligent" but I did not get the context as I was not deliberately listening in. For a while I thought that by "very special" she may have meant intellectually challenged, but I see no reason for anyone to see me as intellectually challenged. Mad maybe, yes. But not that...
Another time, I was in the office of a senior pastoral tutor in the university's head office. I was with there with two friends, who were instrumental in me being detained on the ward. The guy enigmatically and with no explanation told me "you are a part of a very tiny elite".
I do not know what he meant by this and it did not feel right to ask him what he meant at the time.
All these things may have perfectly innocent explanations but they did play on my mind for quite a bit.
Madaba And Me
Madaba has been communicating with me since 2004.
Hence I have been diagnosed as a "paranoid schizophrenic" which believe you me is not nice. Nobody wants to date a paranoid schizophrenic (sad face)
In his dealings with me does not have an audible voice, never has, instead he communicates via my sense of touch, by prodding me
If he touches me above my left eye that means "yes" and if he does so above my right eye then that means "no"
The touch is a gentle sensation of pressure
I can remember how it all started. It began at some point when I was on the Coventry psychiatric ward. Whenever I felt that the influence I saw all around me was pleased with what I was thinking or with what I had written I would feel a pleasant glowing sensation above my left eye.
As I have explained on the first page of this website, at this time I believed that my Dyslexic genius resided there, so thought that such feelings were caused by brain activity!
After a while it started responding to my inner voice and we soon established left as yes and right as no. This was a really strange experience at first but I am now used to it.
left = yes
right = no
It is like having an AI chatbot in your head, that's how I'd describe it
I initially believed that it was a secret government super-computer communicating with me via brain implants and orbiting satellites. And for a while it affirmed this. I would go through phases, sometimes I would believe it was The Simulation and at other times God.
I once asked it what its name is. I asked if it would spell it out if I ran my fingers over a computer keyboard. I did and it told me which keys to press. We did just that and it created a jumble of letters. I asked if they needed re-arranging and it said yes. So we did that and it spelt out something like MMAAAADDDABBAAAAA. I asked if its name was "Madaba" and it said yes.
Although "Madaba" is a he, not an it.
For a while I gave his name as Butterfly for various reasons, in part because I didn't like how Madaba contains "Mad". But I now call him by his real name.
He can sometimes make my limbs or fingers twitch and if he wants to draw my attention to something in my visual field then he makes a quick brief streak of whiteness appear over whatever he wants me to look at.
No comments:
Post a Comment